9010
Master Sage
Perhaps among the most dramatic experiences we go through in life will be a breakup. We tend to take our first love particularly seriously because we view it as a referendum on ourselves. All of us like to think of ourselves as a reasonable person, we think we can do better than all those “losers” who take their girlfriend for granted or worse yet, abuse them. And so, if and when everything falls apart, our mind seems to lead us to one of these conclusions:
“What’s wrong with me? I thought I was doing everything right! Clearly I am a failure.”
Or…
“That jerk! I should have known he was nothing but a worthless, arrogant, crazy, selfish…”
This is reflected in almost all of the songs written about love. Either the couple is completely infatuated and everything is wonderful, or they are at each other’s throat singing about how horrible the other person is. Romantic love brings forth strong emotions, probably because it is directly linked with the continuation of our species. Our children are a continuation of our selves, and so, whether we succeed or fail at love in a sense means life or death for us.
But I wonder if there’s a way to live your life experiencing all the joy that comes with relationships, while minimizing the pain? Now that would be a good question to find the answer to! And I think I have found it.
I was listening to this song the other day called “Brandy (you’re a fine girl)” by the Looking Glass, and it changed my whole perspective on relationships.
It’s funny how music can be a window into your soul. Much like writing poetry (Actually, exactly like poetry) we don’t really know where the words come from. There seems to be some vast wellspring of truth underneath our consciousness that surfaces during the creative process. To me, it seems like this song is serenading us with a truth that we only realize long after our tumultuous years of youthful romance.
Specifically, there are a two major things we learn from this song.
1. Learn to think objectively about your relationships
You’ll notice that not once in the song is anything bad said about the sailor or his would-be lover, Brandy. She is a fine girl, everyone thinks she would be a good wife. He is an honest man, adventurous and dashing. They are both wonderful people in their own right, but in the end it didn’t work out between them. However, Brandy “does her best to understand,” holding on to a token of his friendship, and he rides off into the sunset with his one true love, the sea. Stories like this don’t always have a happy ending, but they don’t have to be tragic either.
What we have to realize is that when a relationship doesn’t work out, most of the time it’s not because you did something wrong or because the other person is horrible and selfish. More than likely you just aren’t right for each other. Either that or the timing isn’t right. And that’s ok! It means you can continue to work on yourself and use your extra time to search for the right person. What’s not ok is when you try to force a relationship despite the obvious deal breakers. If you do that, you will inevitably suffer the consequences.
So how do you figure out what those deal breakers are? This leads us to the second lesson from “Brandy.”
2. Know yourself and be upfront about it.
As the sailor meets Brandy and tells his tales of adventure and intrigue, no doubt he perceived that he was sweeping this girl off her feet. But notice how the sailor is upfront about himself, and turns her down the best way possible.
He made it clear he couldn’t stay
No harbor was his homeThe sailor says: “Brandy, you’re a fine girl” (you’re a fine girl)
“What a good wife you would be” (such a fine girl)
“But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea…”He had always told the truth, Lord, he was an honest man
And Brandy does her best to understand
And that is the key right there. Honesty. I cannot stress this enough, it is critical to be completely open right up front before the relationship even begins. Ask yourself questions like…
What do I need from this relationship? What are my goals? What do I have to offer and am I willing to give it? Can I live with this person’s quirks and flaws? Am I looking for a commitment or just cheap thrills? Am I a leader or a follower, messy or compulsively organized, a spender or a saver, religious or secular, conservative or liberal, etc.?
Know these things about yourself, and be truthful about it with the other person. Don’t be afraid to ask your date serious questions as well. You deserve to know the fundamentals about a person before you give your heart away. If he or she isn’t willing to share any important details, it’s probably not a good sign for your potential relationship.
And yes, maybe when you make this honest evaluation of yourself and compare that to an honest evaluation of the other person, you’ll find that the cons outweigh the pros, and maybe it isn’t meant to be after all. Make no mistake, this is very hard to do! But it’s a whole lot easier than lying to yourself and the other person and living with those lies for however long you struggle needlessly on together in your own personal Hell.
The sailor in this story follows this advice perfectly. He knows what he wants and what he’s willing to give. His love was for the sea, he was out for adventure and exploring new things. And when he meets this girl, instead of leading her on and tearing her heart out later, he is man enough to reveal his intentions right away.
Conclusion
I’m not making the case that you should give up on loving someone over trivialities, because no one you meet will check all of your boxes. At the same time, we have all seen couples go through horrible breakups because one of them wasn’t ready to commit and the other was hiding his or her true self. That could all be avoided with a little forethought, self-reflection, and communication.
Do I believe that there is such a thing as having “One true love” that you are destined to be with? Sure, why not. It’s one of those claims that is technically unfalsifiable, and I have found it to be a useful way to live your life. As long as you are willing to admit that when things don’t work out with someone, it means they weren’t the one. That’s all it means. So stop being so hard on yourself, and quit brooding over your “evil” ex-boyfriend who “ruined your life.” Believe me, the real one is out there. There are plenty of “fine girls” and “honest men” to spend your life with. In the meantime, make sure you know yourself, know what you are looking for, and have the wisdom and courage to do the right thing when you meet someone. Then you will be able to enjoy all the great things that love can offer, and avoid most of the headaches.
So what do you think?
What have you learned over the course of your dating career? What do you look for in a potential companion?
From Athens’ forum to ours, live wisely my friends!
Archie the Sage